Day 223: 如果有如果

我真的很想你，但是我知道我不应该再无时无刻的打扰你。你现在有自己的生活，有自己的朋友，有一个喜欢你的人，你现在应该过得很开心吧。此时此刻，我唯一能够为你做的就是默默地守在你身后，不打扰你的自由。我说过的话我不会忘记。我不会离开你，我不会让你一个人在这世界上，不论多辛苦，我都会为你撑下去。这些都不是空话，都不是废话。现在我唯一能做的，就是让时间证明我有多爱你。不是说说而已，其他人也许不明白，但是你明白吗？我希望你能。我希望你不要再伤害自己，不要再逃避下去。我希望你做回自己，现在的你根本不是你，你发现了吗？我知道现在我说再多都没有用。。你还是会觉得我很烦，你还是会觉得我不好。

如果你真的找到属于你的幸福了，我会衷心祝福你，因为你值得最好的。你永远都要记住，不管你已经走得再远，我还是会在原地等你回头。多久都好，对于我来说，永远也只有你一个。相信我，我真的很爱你。

我好想你。。你听见了吗？

Day 217: The Vow

I promise to love and care for you, and I will try in every way to be worthy of your love. I will always be honest with you, kind, patient and forgiving. But most of all, I promise to be a true and loyal friend to you. I will respect you, encourage you and cherish you. In health and sickness, Through sorrow and success. For all the days of my life. I promise that I will walk with you, hand in hand, wherever our journey leads us, living/learning/loving together, forever. I vow to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share in the silence when they are not. I promise to encourage your compassion, Because that is what makes you unique and wonderful. I promise to nurture your dreams, Because through them your soul shines. I promise to help shoulder our challenges, For there is nothing we cannot face if we stand together. I promise to be your partner in all things, Not possessing you, but working with you as a part of the whole. I promise to you perfect love and perfect trust, For one lifetime with you could never be enough. I promise above all else to live in truth with you. And to communicate fully and fearlessly. I give you my hand and my heart. As a sanctuary of warmth and peace.

I will be yours in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, in failure and in triumph. I will dream with you, celebrate with you and walk beside you through whatever our lives may bring. You are my person—my love and my life, today and always.

This is my sacred vow to you, my equal in all things.

 I see these vows as promises as well as  privileges: I get to laugh with you and cry with you; care for you and share with you. I get to run with you and walk with you; build with you and live with you. I love you. Forever and always.

Day 215: 真正的痛。真正的爱。

忍着痛放你走，你知道我的心在流血吗？

到现在还是希望你会回到我的身旁，让我好好珍惜你。可是这样做，你不会快乐。我们可以回到像从前那样吗？过着无忧无虑的日子，那该有多好。。

你一定要很幸福。。一定要。。:'(

Day 186: Are you okay? Because I love you.

"She used to ask me all the time if I was okay. As though she never knew for sure. She would ask me when she was tired or frustrated or when she felt helpless. She would ask me when she was afraid. She asked me that same question, long after we stopped being lovers–when we became something less yet somehow more.

Are you okay? She would whisper on the phone late at night, when she was about to head to bed. Are you okay?

She hasn't asked me in years, but I know she still thinks it. I know the question still reverberates in her mind like a broken record and she will keep looking for answers long after there is nothing left to appease her.

It was always the same question, over and over again. Like the start of a procession. And it took me years to recognize the unsaid words that marched silently behind.

Are you okay; because I love you.
Are you okay; because I need you.
Are you okay; because I don’t know how to live without you."

Sometimes absence is at it takes to let that person miss you. But I can't get myself to leave you. I just can't. 

Day 151:

已经过了一百五十一天了。。。你还是还没回到我身旁。不知道该说些什么好，好像有很多很多东西想对你说，但是全都卡在了喉咙，吐不出来。最近真的好多心事，真的很烦。如果能像以前那样，每晚回到家里都有你陪着我，那该有多好。。

一开始进入这个新公司的时候，真的觉得很好。跟我一起做工的同事的很友善，都会帮忙我。但是事到如今，我不得不承认，真的撑的好辛苦。每天真的过得很不开心。。做了自己该做的本分，但是还是没人欣赏。努力了三个月学习，但是全部人还是觉得不够。不知不觉，我真的失去了活下去的定律。如果可以紧抱着你，让你知道我的心酸，真的。。那该真的有多好。每当遇到任何瓶颈时，第一个想到的就是你。但是现在已经没有什么资格要你听我倾诉了。现在的我真的不敢对你有任何奢望。因为我知道我自己还是很依赖你，我不可以我不能让自己再这样烦着你因为总有一天，你一定会遇到比我更好的人。。。

真的觉得自己很可悲。真的觉得自己好没用。

有你在就好了 :'(

Day 128:

I won't ever get enough of you and honestly, it's killing me.

Day 118: We can never be just friends.

Came across this article: Meaningful. I miss you. 

You’ve been dating him for a while. Long enough that you’re really invested. He knows all of you. You know each other so well and so intimately.

Maybe you’ve lived together or shared holidays; maybe you’ve traveled together, or you’ve got a routine down. You know what he’ll order off a menu, and he knows what you like to drink. He gets you, and you get him.

But now, your relationship is coming to an end, and you have to have the dreaded breakup conversation (insert eye roll here). He tells you why he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, and you agree on some level.

You knew it wasn’t totally working, but this sucks. At the end of it all, you know you’re breaking up, but he insists he “still wants to be friends.”

Friends, huh? FRIENDS? Like one of those friends you play videos games with and draft your fantasy football team with? Or the friends you usually forget to call back? The kind of friends you only see at weddings or the ones you hang with on the reg?

We’re “friends” who just spent the last few months — or years — dating and really getting to know each other. Getting to know each other’s families, psychoses and idiosyncrasies. We were more than just friends — we were lovers.

Friends and lovers are separate and not equal. My friends haven’t seen me truly vulnerable and totally naked. Friends haven’t tasted me in the morning. Friends don’t know what positions I like or how I oddly hate morning sex.

Friends don’t know how insane I can be after one too many gin and tonics (well, maybe that’s not true). Friends haven’t let me in the way you did. My friends and I didn’t share this thing we had.

You still want me in your life but in a drastically different way. For whatever reason, this thing we had is over. And, frankly, I don’t want to just be friends.

I still want you to be my first call.

I liked having you on the other end of any call I made when something happened to me. You were there for the good, the bad and hopefully not too much of the ugly.

I want to text you when I see something that reminds me of you. I want you to know what happens to me throughout the day. Most importantly, I don’t want those inside jokes and private moments we shared to fade.

Not that friends can’t call each other, but you won’t answer me like you used to. And I don’t want to have to think twice when I want to dial your number or send you a message. I don’t want to play that game.

---

I still want to have sex with you.

What we had was good. We had a good rhythm going. We knew what each other liked and didn’t like, which positions worked and which ones we could’ve worked on.

Ugh, I dread having to go through that period of learning someone sexually again.

Plus, I’m still attracted to you, and I can’t just turn that off. And now I can’t do anything about it because “we’re just friends.” I’ll have to pretend I’m not thinking about you when I’m with someone else.

---

I can’t stand the thought of you with someone else.

Sure, I want you to be happy. You can be happy, but not with someone else. Not just yet.

The thought of you having sex with someone else makes me nauseous. I don’t want you doing the tricks you learned with me on someone else. Even the thought of you just kissing someone else or sleeping next to another woman makes me cringe.

Is she going to be the new person you call when you see something funny? Is she going to get those texts I used to get?

Does she get to borrow your T-shirts and sweatpants? Does she get to spend time with your family that loved me so much? I don’t want to be replaced.

---

I don’t want you to see me with someone else.

It’s irrational, but you’re supposed to be stuck on me. I’m going to move on, but I still want you to think about me. I want to know I was a chapter in your book, and you won’t forget what we shared.

But, I need to do me, too, and I don’t want you to see that. And I certainly don’t want you to be OK with it. Not just yet.

---

I don’t want to pretend I’m interested in your love life.

Because I’m not interested. As far as I’m concerned, your sexual existence began and ended with me.

Friends have to talk about sex and share those sometimes embarrassing moments with each other. They give each other graphic details about the night before.

I don’t want to do that with you, and it’s an unavoidable topic. If we can’t talk about these things, then we’re just not friends.

---

I have enough friends.

Hence, why we weren’t just friends in the first place. I had a void in my life that you filled. I wasn’t looking for more friends, and you weren’t one when it comes down to it. You were my BOYfriend.

I have plenty of people to go to brunch with. I have tons of people to talk to throughout the day. I have endless people to go out drinking with. And so do you!

I don’t need another person at the dinner table. This table is full.

---

I have to adjust my future so you’re not a part of it.

I’ve been thinking about how life looks with you in it for a while. Now, I have to picture it differently, and how am I supposed to do that while you’re still around?

I have to rewrite the story so you’re not in it. That chapter is closed. And I can’t do it while you’re around.

If it were up to me, we’d either still be together, or we’d be done completely.

So, no, I don’t want to still be friends. We can be exes.

Day 91: Inferiority

I want so much for you to be back by my side. But I look at myself, I think about what I can give to you, I can't think of anything much. I look at my bank balance and I feel pathetic. I am constantly at a war with myself. Every part of me wants you back, but my senses are tell me that I must be successful and financially independent first before I dare to call you mine again.

When you are truly in love with someone, you always want to give them your best. No matter what happens, their happiness will always come to your mind first. This is my promise to you, I will use the last penny in my pocket to make you happy. I will do whatever it takes to give you a better life. I want to break free of the past life we used to have. Those days where I can't even afford to bring you out for a better meal, those days where I have to think so much and consider about so many factors before I can buy something for you. Those days where we keep saying "YOLO", and ending up being so pathetic when the end of the month comes. I know you didn't mind, but deep in my heart, I mind so much. I kept scolding myself useless, I kept blaming myself for letting you spend your off days at home when I know all you wanted was to go out. Maybe that's why when you told me you are so sick and tired of staying at home everyday, it really hurts. Because deep inside me I know you will get bored of it, but I don't have the capability to bring you out. \

There are so many things left unsaid when we were still together. How I wish you knew about all those things. How I wish you knew that I was planning for us and our future all along when I kept you at home. How I wish you would have understand that I didn't keep you at home for all of your off days on purpose. How I wish you knew that I wanted to go out and have a proper date with you too on our off days. How I wish you knew I was saving in secret for our first overseas trip together, but the money has now been used to get you the handbag you wanted long ago. How I wish you knew that every time when I say next time, I was already planning for it in my head. I don't blame you for not knowing, because all these things I did not mentioned about it before. I don't blame you for getting bored of me and the things I did, because if I were you I will feel the same way too. I don't blame you for letting go of my hands, because you were in pain.

I knew everything, I just didn't do anything and it's really too late for regrets now. But things are gradually getting better as the days goes by. I really hope that the day is nearing for me to hold you in my arms and being able to call you mine again. When that time comes, I will be the happiest living being on Earth and I will treat you like a princess, for the next 50 years and for as long as I live. You will always be the one I treasure the most. No matter who enters my life, I promise. No matter how big the storm is, I promise. No matter how much it takes, I promise. To never let go of your hands and to kiss away your pain. To dance with your demons. To see your dark side and to love you even more. To play with your hair and hug you to sleep. I promise. This love will never die. I love you.

Day 86:

Don’t tell me this is the end for us. Here’s a pen, please keep writing. I will tear down every flier, save every gum wrapper, gather all the blank pages in the world just so we can keep writing our story. I will paint the words of our love all over my body until I am nothing but color. I will write until the lamp burns out, and then light a candle and keep writing. I will scribble on the backs of bus seats and graffiti on buildings with abandoned walls. I will not let you stop us now. We can tell the most beautiful love story the world has ever heard, if we keep writing. Please take this pen.

I miss you so much. Please, write our story all over again. I will be the bigger spoon this time. I will let you win, no matter what happens, I will compromise to you. No matter what you want to do, I will accept you. No matter what you become, I will love you. 

I will love you. 
and 
I will love you forever. 

Day 84: 值得浪费。

“也许我不是在等待你爱我，而是在等待我不再等待你的那一天。”

告诉你，你最好做好准备，我没有打算停止一切。爱你这回事，快要三年了。想说我没有什么志愿，也没有事情好消遣。有一个你去爱，多珍贵。没关系，你也不用逼你自己重新爱上我，反正我还有一生可以浪费。我就是剩这么一点点倔，称得上是我的优点吧。没关系，你也不用对我惭愧，不用觉得你亏欠我，也许我根本喜欢被你浪费。。随便你今天会拼命爱上谁，我都会坦然面对心碎。即使要我再跟你耗个十年，我都无所谓。我对你的爱，依旧没变。连我自己都对我自己钦佩。就算我再去努力爱上谁，到头来也是白费。。因为都不如永远跟你耗来的快乐，幸福。

整个脑海里都是你，我应该怎么做才能让自己好过一点。是真的要放开手才能获得吗？是真的要放开手让你飞翔，你飞累了，会回来吗。。？

我好想你，不懂要怎么形容才能觉得贴切。无止尽的想，无止尽的盼。。。。

Day 82:

"Even heaven knows how miserable I am now."

Everytime when I think that things are getting better, you will prove me wrong straight away. It's miserable to not know where you stand in someone's heart, it's even more miserable when you love that person so much and what you care about most is always her. I don't need sympathy cause I deserve how I am feeling right now. Maybe that's how painful I made you felt, maybe that's how much worth I am to you right now.

Apart from all the hurt, do you still remember and replay all those happy and sweet memories we once shared? Don't tell me you will always remember them, because all I can see is that you are trying your best to forget and move on without me in your life. You are always lying to yourself when you say you are able to treat me as a friend, because you can't. We both can't. I don't want to lie to myself for my whole life and watch someone that I love love someone else in the end. I don't want to belong to the grey area anymore. But I know you can't be forced, love can't be forced. "Love but not in love", isn't that equals to saying you don't love me anymore. I always crave for the cruel truth from your mouth, at least it will be easier for me to let go and learn to live without you. But I always don't get it, and this really keeps my hope up high. Of course I am not blaming you, I won't blame you for anything again. I know the pain, I know the torture. Remember you once asked me if you will become part of my torturous memory or beautiful future? And you stated that it's a Mag thing that no one can understand, but can I? Remember that blog post you wrote?

Of course I want you to be my beautiful future. And always remember bao, it's a Mag thing that only I can understand. It's funny how you feel so connected with someone sometimes, you keep questioning yourself is it just the thoughts inside of your head or is it the reality? I keep feeling that with you. I always have this tiny voice inside my head telling me, don't let go of her no matter how tough things are, the sun will shine again someday. We will be blessed again someday. Yea, and I truly believe in that voice. Try again or walk away? Towards you, it's always gonna be trying again. If I didn't try hard enough this time, I try harder again the next time. I will try till the day I'm out of breath, I will try till the day perhaps, when you are really married and with a blissful family. But that should be me. It should be me from the start. Holding your hand, kissing your lips, falling asleep with you. I should be the one, and I still believe that I will be the one in the end.

This is a love time can't write off. This is a love time can't change. This is a love worth the wait. This is a love I have been looking for. This is a love of a lifetime. This is a love between us, you and me. This is a love that is waiting for you. This is a love, that will last till the end.

I love you, selfishly, wholeheartedly, selflessly.

Day 76: 有太多太多回忆梗住呼吸

如果雲知道　想你的夜慢慢熬
每個思念過一秒　每次呼喊過一秒
只覺得生命不停燃燒

如果雲知道　逃不開糾纏的牢
每當心痛過一秒　每回哭醒過一秒
只剩下心在乞討　你不會知道

今天又送花给你了。你开心吗？我知道你可能真的觉得这样做是浪费钱。。但是对我而言，这是一种心意，这是我对你的一种浪漫。现在的我，什么都不能做。不能陪在你身边度过漫长的夜，不能时时刻刻在你身边听你的罗嗦听你的烦恼，不能随时帮你擦泪，不能随时借你肩膀。还记得，我曾经说过只要你想我，我会立刻在你面前？这句话，还是成立的。。只要你想起我，只要你一需要我，我一定什么都放下，第一时间到你面前。。

我觉得做人真的很矛盾。口里无时无刻都在说只要你开心就好。但心里，还是很希望我是那个能让你笑的原因。。明明知道你现在没有我过得比较开心，比较好，但是怎么都放不下。怎么都放不下那些回忆，怎么都放不开你的手，怎么都忘不了你的心跳声，怎么都忘不了你手的温度。昨天是恋人，今天说分手就分手。。怎么能不痛？不是怪你，因为我已经接受而且也明白了你为什么会这么做。你伤得比我想象中还深。做梦都没有想到，原来伤你的那个人会是我。原来让你不开心的人，竟然会是我。我不知道要怎样不恨自己，我不知道要怎样走出来，因为是我欠你的。

我可以用一生来让你开心幸福。但是可能我一生的时间对你而言已经不再珍贵。我不知道，但是我还是会坚持。累了，睡一觉起来继续盼望你会回到我身边。累了，想一想我们之间的回忆，是我坚持下去的推动力。累了，想一想你，也会继续走下去。走向通往你的那条路。。心会一直乞讨着你，挂念着你，你能感觉到吗。。？

Day 75:

到了今天才明白“痛”真正的写法。到了今天才发现，真正的痛是什么感觉。。
成全是我的任性，认输因为终于认清。请你把快乐带走，不要留任何余地。不要留任何一丝让我想你的痕迹。因为我真的会很想你。。

你走了之后，我都不敢抬头看。我的天空仿佛瞬间变成了灰色，再也没有任何颜色了，再也没有任何快乐。从那一天起，我忘记了呼吸。。每一天都是折磨，每一天都开心不起来。如果我懂得珍惜你就好了。我多想时间能够倒流，我多想再一次牵着你的手，我多想再抱着你睡着，我多想每个晚上都看着你睡着的样子，我多想轻轻的亲你的额头，我多想和你一起走到最后。。你知道吗？

是不是只要我一直这样等着你，你就会回来？是不是只要我任由你伤害我，任由你把我当成傻瓜，你就会原谅我？如果真的是这样，我不介意把整条命都送给你。我不介意让人笑我是傻瓜。为了你，不管多笨不管多傻，我都愿意。为了你，什么都愿意做。就是不愿意看你一个人。。每次都这样说，我明明就知道你不是一个人。。我明明就知道其实我的离开根本不代表什么。算了吧，自我安慰或许对我对你都会好一些。

现在就算你想杀了我，我都愿意给你杀。

我爱你，你听得到吗？你听得到思念的呼喊声吗？你听得到我的心在为你而跳动吗？你听得到我们之间的回忆还在旋转着吗。。？你听得到我喊救命吗？你听得到心碎了一地的声音吗？

盼望，期待，想念。盼望你早日回家，期待能再一次跟你写精彩的故事属于我们的故事，想念你永无止尽的想念。

我爱你，苏丁琪。。。请你原谅我。

Day 69:

Happy 32nd monthsary, happy 972 days together.

"What hurts the most was being so close, having so much to say and watching you walk away. And never knowing what could have been, and not seeing that loving you, is what I was trying to do."

如果有一天我真的不在了，希望你会好好照顾自己，赚多一点钱，找一个比我更爱你的人，好好过。不知不觉的又哭了，我好想抱紧你，不再让你离开我了。我好爱你。。真的好爱你。:'(

Day 67/971

希望有一天当你原谅我的时候，当我们复合的时候，我们可以一边看我为你写了什么，一边吃着我们一起煮的晚餐，一起笑。。

多么完美的情景。我想你想得心好痛。。:'(

Day 62:

还需要多久你才能明白，还需要多久你才能回到我身边。还需要多久我才能好好爱你，还需要多久我们才能再在一起。。。

Day 47:

宝贝，你的忽冷忽热真的要把我给弄死了。你知道吗？

Day 44:

"只要看到你的笑，什么都值得。"

Finally had a meal with you again this afternoon, at your house. Although it may mean nothing to you, it means everything to me. Although it's just a simple meal, it's really contenting enough for me. Being able to hear your voice, being able to buy food for you when you are craving for it, being able to feel you, being able to smell your smell, that is what I lived for. I may have neglected all of that before, but never will I neglect anything about you again.

Looking at the cranky you when you just woke up, you feel so familiar. I just feel like hugging and cuddling the fuck out of you when I stepped into your house but I know I can't. Holding back all my emotions, I looked at you. I really can't take my eyes off you for a single minute, I am afraid I wouldn't have the chance to do that anymore if I let that slipped past me. I fucking cherish every moment I spend with you now, cause I know I can't afford to lose you anymore. I can't afford to let you treat me like a stranger anymore. I can't afford to make you upset anymore.

I'd rather lose everything in my life, than to lose you.

Day 43:

"I wanted words but all I heard was nothing."

Never knew what is it like to cry every single day, never knew what is it like to miss someone so fucking badly but that person isn't around. Never knew what is it like to lose my whole fucking world, never knew what is it like to live in regrets. Never knew what is it like to never have another chance again, never knew what is it like to try so hard for something. Never knew what is it like to be so strong on the outside when I'm breaking apart in the inside. Never knew what is it like to be excluded in your life. I never knew a lot of things, until 43 days ago. When I lose you.

这痛，我怎么赶也赶不走。你的影子，仿佛跟随着我。怎么办，好颓废。

Day 42:

Seeing all those things that you said to others, it made my heart bleed. So all along, while I have been sending you those goodnight and good morning texts, you were doing it to others. So all these while, everything that I did for you and those sweet texts that I sent to you, you have been sending it to others. You have been making your life so worthwhile and interesting. All the things you did, you never expected me to find out but I did. All the things you said, all the things that happened within these 42 days, all the guys that you flirt with, all the guys that you talked to, every single thing is like a fucking sharp blade, it just pierced through my heart. I cannot take it anymore, you make me feel like disappearing from this world for awhile. You made me feel like I had been doing all those things for you, like it's nothing. You made me feel like the person that I love so deeply is gone. You made me feel like everything we had is gone with the wind, within these 42 days. They say not everyone who leaves your life is a regret, but you are definitely mine. That is the reason why I am doing all these for you, not wanting anything in return. But just a bit of your attention will do.

In the end, all I got are these. The hurt that you are returning me is 100 times the hurt I have given you. If you really do love me, why are you doing all these to me. Why are you hurting me so badly. Why are you hurting me like I deserved to be hurt. Do you really still love me.

全部人都不明白为什么我要等你，为什么我要让你伤害我。但是他们真的不懂，他们真的不明白你的好，他们真的不明白你是怎样的人，他们真的不明白我有多爱你。你明白吗，你明白为什么我放不下你吗，你明白我有多爱你吗，你明白我有多痛吗。。等你等到我心痛，等你等到没有梦。我为你做了那么多，从来不奢求什么。我只希望你开心。倘若我真的离开了你的生命，你会比较开心吗？你会比较自由吗？四十二天了，我熬过来了。我熬过了没有你四十二天的日子了。我假装开心，我假装坚强已经四十二天了。我真的不知道如果你真的不在我生命里，我以后的路应该怎么走。为什么我这么笨，为什么我这么傻，为什么当初我没有好好的珍惜你。为什么我要在失去你之后，我才学会怎么爱你，我才学会了怎么珍惜。。为什么当我决定要好好努力做工，努力存钱给你好的将来的时候，你要在这个时候放弃我。为什么你要放弃我，为什么你要离开我，为什么你不能再给我多一点的时间，为什么你不能再给我多一次机会。。。我知道是我的错，但是如果你还爱我的话，为什么你不可以再等我多一段时间。我真的这么错吗，我真的不值得你原谅吗，我真的不值得你的爱吗。从我们开始到现在，我都尽我的能力把最好的都给你。就算知道那个月会不够钱，我都会把最好的给你。我经常发脾气，我经常耍脾气只是想要你哄我。有很多次都不是真正的生气。你说我不懂你，你说我把你当成理所当然，可是我真的没有。。我把自己亲手推入悬崖，我断送了自己的幸福线。我不知道没有你，我还能撑多久。我不知道我还能假装坚强多久，我不知道我还能哭到什么时候。但是我承诺过，只要我还爱你的一天，我都会等你。我都会等你。。

Day 36:

很困扰。。不知道要怎么让你知道不知道要怎么让你了解我还是那么爱你。难道我们就这样，真的没有了吗？真的一切都结束了吗？你对我一点爱，都没有保留吗？真的是心碎了一地。
其实现在，不管我知道你怎么骗我，怎么折磨我都好，我不知道要怎么放弃你，放弃我们之间所拥有的。我不知道要怎么放下这段感情，这些回忆。我还是会等你，等你有一天亲口对我说一句 ‘我原谅你，我爱你。’

你是我最宝贝，最疼爱过的人。。想疼你，像爱护你，这种感觉。。要怎样在别人的身上才能找到？一辈子都不可能。你是多么的特别，多么的与众不同。还有谁能够像你那样爱我，那样疼我，给我那种我从来就没有过的感觉。

很多人都责骂我，问我为什么还对你那么死心踏地，为什么你都这样对我了，我还是可以让你伤害我。这不算什么， 只要有一天你能够发现我一直都在，那就足够了。可能会有别人能够给你你现在所要的，但是我相信绝对没有一个人能够让你感受到相同的爱。

回来吧，我的宝贝。回到我身边，让我继续疼爱你好吗。我们都原谅彼此所犯的错误，好吗。。。。

Day 35:

天快亮了　能不能别离开呢
沉默像首悲伤的歌　无声视线却模糊了
你要走了　也带走所有快乐
甜蜜的片段散落了
你倦了　心冷了　我哭了

那流星闪过　我们许下一个愿望
要在一起　绝不分离　你怎么放弃了

星空在闪烁　像你的眼泪　悄悄划过
当你放开了手　离开的时候
有没有一点舍不得我
泪光在闪烁　而我的眼泪忍住　不敢坠落
我还留在黑暗中守候
你却已经远远　离开我

离开我了　梦醒了还剩什么
我要的幸福消失了
你的心曾经属於我的

那流星闪过　我们许下一个愿望
要在一起　绝不分离　你怎么放弃了

星空在闪烁　像你的眼泪　悄悄划过
当你放开了手　离开的时候
有没有一点舍不得我
泪光在闪烁　而我的眼泪忍住　不敢坠落
我还留在黑暗中守候
你却已经远远　离开我
有过的快乐我都记得
回忆还旋转着　爱怎么停了
我们都泪了

星空在闪烁　像你的眼泪　悄悄划过
当你放开了手　离开的时候
有没有一点舍不得我
泪光在闪烁　而我的眼泪忍住　不敢坠落
我还留在黑暗中守候
你却已经远远　离开

又开始胡思乱想了，又开始很想很想你了。。你现在会过得比较开心吗？没有我的日子里，你好吗？如果真的有一天，你可以亲口告诉我你找到了可以给你更多，可以让你更幸福的人，我会放手让你自由。我只想你开心幸福。如果真的没有我你可以过的比较快乐，我会渐渐走远。我很爱很爱你，多想可以亲口再跟你说声‘我爱你’。。还有这个可能吗？思念一天比一天强烈，你会回到我身边吗。。小宝贝，我真的很想你。你知道吗。

Day 33:

我忘不了 我們曾不只是朋友
從今以後 思念再走不到盡頭
你曾經緊緊地 把我擁在你懷中
我要如何去假裝 你沒有愛過

Day 31:

昨天我又做了一些傻事。我真的不知道为什么我还坚持这么做，我真的不知道我其实还在执著些什么。但是我每一次想到你，想到我们之间所拥有的回忆，我都告诉我自己这一切总有一天一定会得到回报的。

you keep telling me to move on and to forget about you, you keep telling me not to wait for you anymore cause you will feel stressed by it. i understand that you really wna lead your own life now with all the fun and freedom you've been deprived of since you got together with me, i understand how you are feeling right now and of course, i understand that for you to get back together with me, it's almost impossible. almost. i'm not living in self denial, i know since day one that you might not come back to me anymore. but as long as i'm still in love with you, there's nothing i can't do and there's no time that is long enough to stop me from waiting for you. it might be tough for me, to see you having fun and being so happy without me in your life, to see you treating me as your friend. but i don't care. as long as i feel and think that it's worth it, i'm always gna do it.

5 months, 5 years or even 50 years. i will still be here whenever you need me to, and as long as you nod your head, i will be the one who brings to you happiness and love once again. trust me, that day will come. it will.

i miss you so fucking much.

Day 29:

Planted a kiss on your cheek again and it feels so warm.
Heart wreckingly warm.

You are not mine now, but I will make you mine again soon. I promise.
I miss you so fucking much

Day 27:

不是别人，就是我们，从陌生人变情人

关于爱我总无奈，是你让我有天分

你的动人变成伤人，陌生有点不玩转

你却提醒我存在，明白痛的可能

就这样比我勇敢

因为你走了，我走不开。。

我的爱没有限日期

就算只是朋友的距离

把我全部的爱留给你

就在你说分手之后

我知道已经来不及

我也不会去说明

把我全部的爱留给你

就在你说分之后

你说分手之后。。

You will forever be my little sweetheart. 

Day 26:

You will be back someday and I will love you even better this time. I promise to take care of you when you are old and sick. I promise to be there whenever you need someone and never throwing you alone to face it again. I promise to kick away all my old bad habits because I finally realize how much you were suffering alone these 2 years. You told me what's done is done and nothing will ever be the same again. Yes, I believe nothing's gna be the same again because I am going to do it better this time. I don't want to continue living my life like that anymore, I don't want to live in misery everyday drowning in the thoughts of you. I just want to hold you close like last time and I fucking swear upon my life you are never getting away from me again. I assure you that there will never be any fucking ridiculous lies again, I assure you that I will make you smile everyday even on your worst days, I assure you that I will love you more than anyone else that comes into your life. The things that I assure you now, are all the things that I will continue doing for my entire life. I won't be the same again.

Keeping you close till the day I die, till the day you don't love me anymore. Keeping you close to dote on you, keeping you close to see that lovely smile on your face and keeping you close to love you with everything I have, as well as loving you for who you really are. I will keep you close, no matter how much it takes, I will keep you close.

Day 15:

从来就没想过要故意伤害你，为什么你要把我爱你的心一片一片的撕毁。我真的做得那么错，我真的不值得你的一点点关心吗？难道我所为你付出过的一切，真的不再重要了吗？我好希望得到你的原谅，我好希望你能回到我身旁，这一切的一切，还有可能发生吗。。？我真的知道错了，我真的知道了。。。:'(

我真的该死，我真的是活该。我根本就不应该存活在这个世界上。

Day 14:

习惯听你分享生活细节
害怕破坏完美的平衡点
保持着距离一颗心的遥远
我的寂寞你就听不见

我走回从前你往未来飞
遇见对的人错过交叉点
明明你就已经站在我面前
我却不断挥手说再见

以后别做朋友 朋友不能牵手
想爱你的冲动 我只能笑着带过
最好的朋友 有些梦 不能说出口
就不用承担 会失去你的心痛

划一个安全的天空界线
谁都不准为我们掉眼泪
放弃好好爱一个人的机会
要看着你幸福到永远

以后别做朋友 朋友不能牵手
想爱你的冲动 我只能笑着带过
最好的朋友 有些梦 不能说出口
就不用承担 会失去你的心痛

忍住失控 太折磨 我自作自受
回忆都是我 好不了的伤口

以后还是朋友 还是你最懂我
我们有始有终 就走到世界尽头
永远的朋友 祝福我 遇见爱以后
不会再懦弱 紧紧握住那双手。

你知道我真的很想再牵着你的手，看着你的眼睛，跟你说一句我爱你吗？你知道我真的很想跟你创造一个新的未来吗？你几时才会回到我身边。。:'( 

Day 12:

Don’t be sorry,
that makes me more pitiful.
With your pretty red lips
please hurry, kill me and go.
I’m all right.
Look at me one last time
Smile like nothing’s wrong,
so when I miss you I can remember.
So I can draw your face in my mind.

My selfishness that couldn’t let you go
turned into an obsession that imprisoned you.
Were you hurt because of me?
You sit silently.
Why am I a fool, why can’t I forget you.
You’re already gone.

Your eyes, nose, lips
Your touch that used to touch me,
to the ends of your fingertips.
I can still feel you

but like a burnt out flame,
burnt and destroyed
all of our love
it hurts so much, but now I’ll call you a memory.

Love you, loved you
I must have not been enough
Maybe I could see you just once by coincidence.
Everyday I grow restless,
Everything about you is becoming faint.
You smile back in our pictures,
unknowing of our approaching farewell.

My selfishness that couldn’t let you go
turned into an obsession that imprisoned you
Were you hurt because of me?
You sit silently.
Why am I a fool, why can’t I forget you.
You’re already gone.

Your eyes, nose, lips
Your touch that used to touch me,
to the ends of your fingertips.
I can still feel you

but like a burnt out flame,
burnt and destroyed
all of our love
it hurts so much, but now I’ll call you a memory.

Your black eyes that only saw me
Your nose that held the sweetest breath
Your lips that whispered ‘i love you, i love you’

Your eyes, nose, lips
Your touch that used to touch me,
to the ends of your fingertips.
I can still feel you

but like a burnt out flame,
burnt and destroyed
all of our love.
it hurts so much, but now I’ll call you a memory.

你让我学会了珍惜。但是现在我想珍惜你也来不及了，你已经走的好远好远了。。我好想你。

Day 5:

It's the fifth day without you by my side. I haven't eaten any proper meals for 6 days already. Everywhere I go to, everything I do, memories of us will always surface in front of me. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to cope with all these.

2 days ago, you finally gave me a hug. 2 days ago, I finally feel you with me again. You finally used your loving hands to soothe my face and my heart. You finally showed to me that you still love me. Do you know how happy i was after that? You said you needed space, you said you needed time to be alone and think. Do you know why I was so afraid to give you the space and time you needed? Cause I am really afraid that you will never be coming back to me ever again. I have never been so afraid before in my entire life. You told me that your heart has already died on me, you told me that the chances of you coming back to me again is so slim. Do you know how devastated I felt when I heard that? My heart literally died, literally. But after that when I told you that I will wait for you to come back and revive your heart again, you told me "Ok, but not so soon. Not for now definitely. I just need my space for now." I saw rays of hopes shining on us again. I have never been so determined to wait for someone in my entire life. I have never been so determined in anything before in my entire life. I have only one life goal right now, to wait for you to come back to me and treat you right forever when you come back.

I will be waiting. I dont know what you mean by not a short period of time, it might be one week, 2 weeks, or even 2 months. I dont know. I will just wait for you to be ready and come back to my side again. I pray everyday, before I sleep, when I wake up, and even before I leave for work. I pray everyday for you to be by my side once again. I believe you will be coming back soon. I  believe we will be even happier than ever when we are back together. I believe, and I will wait and I will prove it to you with my actions. I will.

I miss you so fucking much bao, please come back soon. Please. I love you.

Day 1:

Day one of not having you by my side.

I don't even have words to describe the agony I am feeling now. When it comes, it really hurts and it hurts a lot. It hurts damn bad. I am in pure agony. All the words you said just pierced right through me and it really isn't what I expected to be.

You turned cold and it's all my doings, i let you down umpteen times and you did not give me up. But this time, you are going away. You are going away for real.

I will wait for you no matter how long you need to take. I will be right here waiting.

魔鬼中的天使

为什么你对我会变那么多？为什么我们不可以像从前一样开开心心的过每一天？为什么我们每天都要吵架？为什么现在你的感觉那么陌生？

我们都变了吗？还是只有我变了？我们之间的感情隐藏着那么多的问号，我该如何是好。我还爱你，可是我们不能再这样下去。我还爱你，不知应不应该放下你。我太失败了。

有许多的感触，有许多的回忆，有许多的笑声，都是我们共同拥有的。 。。心好痛。就让我做一次坏人吧，就让我被心碎声击聋吧。





我彻底毁灭了，不可能回到从前了。。我们的未来，不会有彼此了。。

從前的我們

Quarrels after quarrels.

I know and I can see that you have been tolerating me for such a long time already. What if one day you got sick of my temper? What if one day you found someone who can and will treat you better? What if one day you don't feel that much love for me anymore? I am so afraid of all the what ifs, do you know how insecure I am?

Sorry is all that I can offer you and I clearly know that it will never be enough. I will never be enough and I have no idea how to improve my self esteem. It's not that I don't trust you enough. Trust me, it is my own problem.

When will there be rainbow after the thunderstorm for us? Will it ever come?



I understood myself after I destroyed myself. Remember that.

Negative vibes.

Recently, I really feel like I am losing you. I don't know what I am losing you to, I don't feel that connected with you anymore. I don't know what to feel. I feel like you are so far away from me, I can't reach you. You are not in my range anymore. I don't know what I should do. I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't fucking know.

Can you teach me what to do baby.. I didn't mean to ignore your messages for such a long time but I really did not know what to reply. Words get stuck at my throat and at the tip of my fingers. I miss you so fucking much but I can't get myself to reply you for the past 6 hours. I miss your touch. I just want to hug you so tightly and cry so badly in your arms right now. I cannot find any words to describe the agony I am feeling as I sit here stoning at my workplace. My heart is aching so bad. I feel so sore. I feel so exhausted suddenly. I feel like everything is coming to an end for us, I can't even bear the thought of it.

.
.
.
.
.
.

I feel like I am dying, but still craving for every part of you.

Being with you for almost 2.5 years now, I should know and understand you like nobody else would. I should be the one whom you trust the most and believe everything I said without any doubts. I should be the one who give you all the attention instead of you searching and needing for mine.

You were always there for me, even when you are feeling so exhausted yourself. You will always put me in the first place, no matter how much I disappoint and anger you. For the past few months, it has been so rough for us. Maybe all the negative things that happened shaped a new you. I cannot catch what you are thinking anymore. I cannot catch up with you anymore. Silence now conquer us, even when we have a chance to spend quality time together every once in a week, when we were both off from work. We can even spend the whole day quarreling on that precious one day we should have treasured. I don't know what to do and I am getting more and more numb as these matters keep reoccurring. But really, I don't blame you. Not at all, not a single bit. I can only put all the blame on myself. It's not that I want people to think that I am pathetic, it's not the case where I want people to put the blame on you instead of me. Do you know that I rather people think I am the one at fault instead of them pointing their fingers at you? Do you know how much I want to protect you all the times but the results are always back firing at me. I keep searching for reasons, millions and trillions of reasons for us, for you and for me. I keep thinking and searching deep down inside my mind what exactly was the point where we both somehow stopped chasing each other for a while. We could be mad for nothing, over nothing and over the most pathetic stuff in the whole. I know it's me most of the time. I am always the ridiculous one in your eyes. But baby, you are the only person I will behave like that to. But baby, I react this way because you are the most important person in my life and no one can ever level up to you. But baby, I am ridiculous because i love you.

When I get angry over small things most of the time, I blame myself too. My heart aches in a way that it cringes and tears always try to flow out of my eyes. When I see you cry, I scold myself all the time but you never did know that. In your eyes and in your heart, you will be blaming me. You will be repeating that I proved you right again. I know you love me, I know your love for me has never changed a single bit. But baby, both of us changed. Maybe I am the one I changed the most, maybe this is the side of me I never wanted anyone to know about. But I showed it to you. I think back and regret sometimes. I think back and I always thought to myself, "what if you did not get to see this side of me at all?" Will things turn out differently? Will we be living in bliss instead of being at each other's throat almost everyday?

I am losing my mind. I cannot talk to anyone about it. I miss you in a way that scares me. You know why? Because I don't miss the you who comes home to me every night now. It's not that I don't love you anymore, my feelings haven't changed a single bit towards you. I just miss the old us so much I am literally crying right in front of my laptop now while writing this blog post. I really miss those days where we could spend the whole day happily together. I am trying so hard to change but I feel like you are denying me the chance to. I am trying so hard to improve my temper but all your doubts made me wanna give up changing and being a better me. No, of course I am not blaming you. Like what I have always said, even before we got together, "All of them thinks that you are the bad guy because they can't see the good in you. But I can, I really can. I see the good in you every single time. Even during our most heated arguments, I see the good in you."

I am not a christian but I believe in angels. I don't know how silly this thought is to you but I truly believe you are God's gift to me and you are my guardian angel. I always giggle to myself at the thought of this. Do you believe in angel?

Love is a big word, I love you is a big promise. The future that we hold is so unclear right now, I cannot predict what will happen to us, even in the near future. We always daydreamed and talked about how we want our future to be. We will be living in our own house, having a fulfilling life and getting married in a overseas country or even adopting a child of our own. All these talks filled me up. When I feel down, do you actually know all of these cheered me up instantly at the thought of it? I bet you don't because I believe in your heart, I have already became the heartless one.

Everyone says that "love is a big game." If that is really the case, I think I would have already "Game Over" long time ago. Not as in a bad way, but surrendering to you. It's a good thing to me. Maybe to others it's the opposite.

I know no matter what I say or what I do, there will always be a hole in our relationship for me to mend. You told me to mend it, but I really felt crushed when you said that. You somehow admitted to that "hole" when I was hoping that you will say something else better. Maybe now it's your turn to be the heartless one. Maybe we should switch roles to let me feel the pain in you. Is it that saddening to be with me? Am I really that bad? I don't classified myself under the "Insensitive" group but you always led me to thinking that I actually am that insensitive.

"Be with the person who brings out the best in you" -
Maybe we are not meant to be, even after going through so much together. Today, I really felt like I am at the brink of losing everything even though there is no heated argument going on between the both of us. Am I really losing everything? Am I really going to lose you if I don't fight?


I love you.
You know I always will and you always will have a place in my heart.

Even when we are not together anymore.