Day 381: Footsteps.

i saw u today, an hour ago. walking back from the lrt station to your house. i pretend not to look towards ur direction but i was looking at u all along. i just can't look away.

ur footsteps seemed heavy and u looked troubled. u looked like u are dreading to go home or maybe u are just tired from a whole day of work. u didn't change at all. i wish our eyes could have met and u will know how much i still miss u every single day. but i didn't dare to look up, i'm so scared.

if u are going through hell, i will go through it with u. i still feel everything that u are going through now and it's draining every single bit of energy out of me. but i want to, and i still feel u so close..

no matter what u are going through, i will always be here for u. no matter who enters my life 10 years from now, i promise that u are going to be more important than anyone of them. i don't know if u still think of me, but i still hold on to the faith that the love hasn't die.

you will always be my priority and please know that my doors will always be open for you. i will always be waiting for u to come home to my arms. this is the least i can do for you now, this is the only promise that i can still keep. this is a promise of a lifetime.

bao, don't let the world weigh you down. you are always the best, you will always be the most beautiful one and you will always be in my heart.

Day 378: When I lost you.

When I lost you, I remember feeling my throat turn to sandpaper. The red veins that ran vibrant through my body suddenly turned cold. I lay still, hearing my heartbeat sped up as if I had just ran a marathon. It felt like the cells in my body suddenly froze, and my brain couldn't catch up to my heart.

When I lost you, I couldn't even process it because you were all I knew. And my body didn't know how to live in a place that wasn't connected to you.

It felt like a dream of someone else I knew. Except I couldn't press pause and I couldn't wake up. Maybe my brain was trying to protect me from my reality, but I felt numb all over, like my whole body was flooded with anesthesia. The scariest part was when the numbness died.

And I felt everything. It didn't just come in waves, it came in one single tidal wave. And I was drowning for a long time. On some days, I didn't even want to come up for air. I just wanted to sink deeper and deeper.

Time has always been thought of as the enemy, as something to try to push back. But I have found that time was my only friend during the loss of you. After a while, it made me want to swim instead of sink. It made me want to actually live my life again, instead of being a person walking around with ghosts in her head.

People say that time heals all wounds, but you know I disagree. Time won't ever heal a wound to make you forget that it's there or to forget that it happened. Time leaves the scar to remind you of what you faced and how you fought through it. It will remind you of the excruciating pain, but also how you grimaced through it and then felt relief when the cast came off.

I keep wondering, when will the cast ever come off for me. Maybe it won't ever because I am still all about you and it happens everyday.

Day 377: Savage

i don't know how to not get reminded of you. you still seem to be everywhere i go to. i always think of you no matter where i am. when i go to places where we have went before, your shadow seemed to be following me everywhere. when i go to places where we haven't been but it's a nice place, i will always think to myself that i will wanna bring you there someday.

it's so pathetic to be living this way. it's like living everyday without a soul and most parts of me ain't around at all.

i've been trying so hard to keep myself distracted and avoiding leaving house at the usual time, to prevent bumping into you and him. i don't want to hurt myself again but i still want to see you at the same time. it's such a struggle that i'm about to get used to.

i don't want to get used to it because when i do, i don't know how will i be like.

i want to be numb to seeing things that i don't want to see but i guess it's just hard because, you still matter the most to me.

exams in 2 days' time and i'm getting so distracted by the things that shouldn't distract me anymore. for you, i will work hard. trust me, i will get there.

bao, i miss you. so bad, fucking bad.

Day 375: Impossible chase.

For the previous few nights, I dreamt of you again. And every single time when I dream of you, I will be late for work because I just don't want to wake up from my dream. That is when my dreams are so much better than reality because I know I will be waking up to nothing. I even forced myself to stay asleep and continue dreaming until you slowly faded away, that's when I woke up. 

It's so difficult for me to wake up smiling these days, it's not like before anymore. I still remember how you used to wake me up everyday before you head to work. You will always kiss my forehead goodbye and I will wave to you while you were standing at your door. I can't get that image out of my head and I don't think I ever will. 

The hard cold truth is that I might never be able to feel you anywhere near me again. But I still chose to hold on because I really don't want to give up on you anytime soon. I can't give up on someone I love so much, someone whom I know deserves everything in the world. 

I am alive now because I still see visions of us and I keep manifesting it in my mind, hoping it will come true someday. I pray everyday for you to be safe and healthy, and I hope you are taking good care of yourself. 

It's ok if you don't reply my messages. Just always remember that no matter how much time has passed, I will always be here. Time will prove my words, and actions. Time will prove everything. 

And even if it takes a lifetime, I will use a lifetime to prove it. I will use a lifetime to chase after you. Because you are worth a lifetime. That's the only thing I can do for you now. And I still want to do it. I want to do it forever. 

Day 371: Heart digger

I’m writing this so you won’t hear my voice shaking , so you don’t hear my heart breaking.

You know, it’s always hard to let go of the people you love.
But sometimes you have to, just for their own sake.

This is an apology I could never make. 

Believe me, when I say it is not your fault. It’s just the conversations I could no longer hold.


And know, my friend, I’m not saying goodbye, for it would be a lie.

And maybe when I finally come again to my sense, maybe that’s when this misery ends.

Day 369: You will always be my home.

i saw you today, after so long. but you were as usual, not alone.

it's funny how the sight of you and him still breaks my heart. it hurts so bad that i can't even show and have any reaction to it. it hurts so bad that the person i used to wake up to everyday, i can't even and don't have the rights to even look into her eyes now.

it's been a year since we stopped belonging to each other. i can't believe as i am typing this, tears are still forming up inside of my eyes.

i miss you so bad. and you won't believe how badly i still want you to be mine. but i know you can't because you deserve so much more.

as stupid as it seems, you should know that i will always be waiting for you. no matter what happens in your life, in my life, i will always be waiting.

i don't know how to love anyone else. i don't know how to open up to another person, other than you. i don't know how to love again because whenever i close my eyes, i still see images of your smile, i still see images of us. i still can't forget the way you smell, the way you speak, the way you act around me.

i will never regret falling for you and i will never regret loving you like this. all the stupid and meaningless things done, maybe it will be worth it someday. even if nothing good ever comes my way again, i will be comforted if it happens to you.

in my heart, you will always be you. you will always be the one i love. you will always be the one i wanna call home. you are always my kryptonite.

bao, please be happy because you always deserve to be.

Day 365: Hello darkness, my old friend.

"The good things in life doesn't come free and they are worth the wait."

You are the best thing in my life, so I still believe you are worth the wait, even for my entire life.

I'm getting so much mixed feelings, so many ups and downs, roller coaster emotions from seeing your social media posts and all the things that include you and him. I don't know what to feel, I thought I'd be really numb to it someday but I guess you just can't be numb to the things that matter the most in your life.

I get angry sometimes, but it's just sadness overtaking me for most of the times. You can't imagine how I still roll myself inside my blanket and cry silently every night. It gets worse every time. I wanted to scream and cry out so much but I know I can't. I am supposed to be fine in front of everyone, right? Yea I am supposed to. And I should be strong enough to walk away from you too, even shadows of you. But I can't.

These memories kept impacting me so much because I kept feeding all of them with more memories. They say memories belong to the past but I am using them to get me to the future. I still can't deal and a part of me honestly, secretly hopes that the relationship you are in now screws up someday. It's the part of me where no one ever knows and I can't accept it myself too.

I hope you get treated right, I really hope you do. But just so you know, I am still working hard for you. I am still trying to achieve what I want in life because of you. Everything is still about you and I am suffocating so bad, so bad.

Day 364: Please come home soon because i'm dying from the ache of missing you.

the feature that u love the most; ur nose.
the feature that u hate the most; ur eyes.
but no matter which one u hate or love the most, i'm certain i will be in love with every single one of them for the rest of my life. u might think i'm just kidding, but u know me well enough.

u look pretty with ur make up on and when u are heading out, u smell nice too. but little do u know that u look the most beautiful in my eyes when u wake up in the morning, with heavy eye bags, morning breaths that used to greet me, and ur smell. it's such a wonderful thing to wake up to.

no matter how many words i typed now, no matter how many times i'm going to have to say it to u, i just needed to remind u that no matter how far apart we are, u will always be living so vividly in me. i can't get rid of u even after all the ways i've tried.

i've tried to hate u, but i ended up hating myself more. i've tried to stay high every night, trying to forget ur warmth by drinking, but i ended up calling out to u more even when i'm drunk. i've tried to keep myself busy every single day, studying and working, trying not to let myself slow down but i ended up looking at the time staring blankly and wondering what u are doing at that point in time.

there's nothing left within me. i guess i've forgotten to take it all back when we parted ways. it hurts so fucking bad to see u move on, u were my kryptonite and u still are. the words we exchanged, the future we planned, i'm still holding on to all of them so tightly even when i'm bleeding from them.

i got no other choices because i've already made my choice long ago. i know u really gotta go this time, but that doesn't mean i have to be gone too. i still wna hold on to u for as long as forever is. honestly from the day u left, i no longer believe in forever. but ironically, i still see u as my forever.

pls know that i'd always wanted u to be happy. i'm sorry for being the toxic in ur life that u got to move on from, when all i ever wanted was to love u for the rest of my life.

time didn't change anything. i still see u the same, and my heart still loves u the same, even more. it's rather stupid to still be waiting like a fool here, but when u come home someday, i will be the happiest fool on earth. :)

Day 363: Long gone and moved on.

不知道你几时才会看到这个，我永远都不会告诉你原来还有这个的存在。

再多四天，我们就分开一年了。对我而言就好像昨天刚刚发生的事，为什么你的影子还那么清楚，为什么仿佛还能够感觉到你在附近。。我真的很辛苦，撑得很辛苦。

你不会知道我有多想你。你不会知道其实就算到了现在，每个晚上还哭着找你。你不会知道你在我心里还是多么的重要。

“宁可失去全世界也不愿失去你。” 这句话不是假的。就算到了现在，它还是成立的。

看到你幸福，我很安慰。但是，真的好痛。好痛。。笑着哭真的很痛。

骗得了全世界，骗不了自己。其实我真的还是在等待着你回家的那天。

我们会很幸福。一定会。。