Officially moved:

https://www.morphineaidanmel.blogspot.com

I wish I didn't have to still remember here as my shelter.

I hate you but I really hate myself more now for still letting you get to me. I hate you but I love you more than that and it's still eating me up inside. I hate you but I love you enough to forgive you. I hate you but if I'd got a chance to restart everything or walk a new path down with you, I will not hesitate in making my decision.

I hate you, but unfortunately, I still want you to be my forever. And that will always eat me up.

如果有一天你累了，請你不要忘記我的大門永遠為你而打開。。

不管發生什麼事，不管你變成怎樣，那扇門。。永遠不會關。

我希望你真的明白，我真的不會丟下妳不管。

因為就算到了現在，你還是我的全世界。只是我不能讓任何人知道。。不可以。

寶，你永遠永遠都是我的小寶貝。就算全世界都變了，就算你現在有了新的負擔，我還是一樣地愛著你。不管怎樣都愛，永遠。

如果我說就算到了現在我還是放不下你，是否會有奇蹟出現？
如果我說我還是傻得可以不計較孩子，甚至可以和你一起照顧他，你是否會回頭看一看我？

說的放手都是假的，因為不想讓人知道我真的還是很想你。
表面上的開心都是裝出來的，因為不想讓你覺得我還是很不開心。

但是。。我真的還是還不開心。我忘了多久沒有真正的開心了。沒有你，我不知道怎麼開心。

你幸福嗎？我還是很擔心你。

你原諒我了嗎？真的好想聽聽你的聲音。。但是不可能了。

我們真的不可能了嗎。。？

我好想你，好想你。。

Day 394: Today, I'm finally letting you go.

Today I’m done holding on to your memory. I’m throwing away all the cards and love letters I’ve held on to for far too long. I’m ripping up every picture I have stashed away in my drawer to remember us. I’m letting you go, completely.

I don’t want to scroll through my camera roll and see old pictures of you. I don’t want to be searching through my contacts and see your name come up anymore. I don’t want to find old screen shots of our conversations. I don’t want to hear old songs and think of you.

It’s not that I want to forget about you, because I don’t, not completely anyway. You became a huge part of my life, but that’s the thing. You were just a part of it.

It’s about moving on, I have to move on. It’s about me not thinking about you every time something good happens and wanting to run to you with the news. It’s about being able to handle all the bad on my own. It’s about me picking up my life and moving on without wondering what you’re doing with yours.

It’s letting go of the idea I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you. It’s leaving behind the traces of you that you imprinted everywhere. It’s being okay with being on my own.

It’s about running into you and not having my heart skip a beat, it’s about not getting tongue tied and nervous about what you’re thinking about me. It’s actually not caring anymore about what you do think of me. I don’t want to get butterflies when you say my name. I don’t want to be tossing and turning over the thoughts of missing you.

I’m letting you go because I want to be happy. I want to be able to be happy for you, too. I want to be okay with the fact someone else gets to spend forever with you. I want to be okay with the fact I won’t be waking up next to you again, and that someone else will be pouring your coffee with two creams and two sugars. I want to be okay with the fact someone else is loving your tattoos and your hands.

All the best in everything you are going to do in life. I know that you are going to achieve another milestone in your life and I hope everything will be going your way. Taking care of a new born at your age won't be easy but I know you will be able to walk through it. I still hope life treats you well enough. 

其实我没你不能活，其实我爱你比你想象多。但是我最后的防卫是无所谓。

You won't hear from me anymore. This is the last time I will remind myself of you. I want to be healed and I want to be whole so that I can find happiness with someone new.

So, today I’m finally letting you go because you and I are no longer anything and holding on to you is only hurting me. Today I decided I need to put myself first and leave you behind for good.

Day 384: Live and let live.

为了你而活为了你而梦，为了爱我会撑到最后。当世界都乌有，守着你的人会是我。
跟命运在逆流，就算错了也不退后。

I hope you like the baby breath that was sent to you yesterday. Keep your head held high and keep going. Don't give up anytime soon because I won't ever give up on you. So you also cannot give up on yourself ok? :)

I will keep forgiving and I will keep loving till the last breath leaves my body.

I might be a pest in your life now, annoying you every now and then when I shouldn't even because you are in a relationship now. It seems so wrong, yet so right. I just don't want to be that person who gives up and leaves, because I know you are still hurting and haunted.

You will be safe in my heart. And when the world's weight really get too heavy for you, please seek refuge in my arms because they have been longing to feel your warmth again since the start of time.

bao, please let me see the smile I saw 3 years ago on your face again. The one without any doubts, without any fears, without any hurt. I will do everything and really everything to just have that one glance of it again.

Day 381: Footsteps.

i saw u today, an hour ago. walking back from the lrt station to your house. i pretend not to look towards ur direction but i was looking at u all along. i just can't look away.

ur footsteps seemed heavy and u looked troubled. u looked like u are dreading to go home or maybe u are just tired from a whole day of work. u didn't change at all. i wish our eyes could have met and u will know how much i still miss u every single day. but i didn't dare to look up, i'm so scared.

if u are going through hell, i will go through it with u. i still feel everything that u are going through now and it's draining every single bit of energy out of me. but i want to, and i still feel u so close..

no matter what u are going through, i will always be here for u. no matter who enters my life 10 years from now, i promise that u are going to be more important than anyone of them. i don't know if u still think of me, but i still hold on to the faith that the love hasn't die.

you will always be my priority and please know that my doors will always be open for you. i will always be waiting for u to come home to my arms. this is the least i can do for you now, this is the only promise that i can still keep. this is a promise of a lifetime.

bao, don't let the world weigh you down. you are always the best, you will always be the most beautiful one and you will always be in my heart.

Day 378: When I lost you.

When I lost you, I remember feeling my throat turn to sandpaper. The red veins that ran vibrant through my body suddenly turned cold. I lay still, hearing my heartbeat sped up as if I had just ran a marathon. It felt like the cells in my body suddenly froze, and my brain couldn't catch up to my heart.

When I lost you, I couldn't even process it because you were all I knew. And my body didn't know how to live in a place that wasn't connected to you.

It felt like a dream of someone else I knew. Except I couldn't press pause and I couldn't wake up. Maybe my brain was trying to protect me from my reality, but I felt numb all over, like my whole body was flooded with anesthesia. The scariest part was when the numbness died.

And I felt everything. It didn't just come in waves, it came in one single tidal wave. And I was drowning for a long time. On some days, I didn't even want to come up for air. I just wanted to sink deeper and deeper.

Time has always been thought of as the enemy, as something to try to push back. But I have found that time was my only friend during the loss of you. After a while, it made me want to swim instead of sink. It made me want to actually live my life again, instead of being a person walking around with ghosts in her head.

People say that time heals all wounds, but you know I disagree. Time won't ever heal a wound to make you forget that it's there or to forget that it happened. Time leaves the scar to remind you of what you faced and how you fought through it. It will remind you of the excruciating pain, but also how you grimaced through it and then felt relief when the cast came off.

I keep wondering, when will the cast ever come off for me. Maybe it won't ever because I am still all about you and it happens everyday.

Day 377: Savage

i don't know how to not get reminded of you. you still seem to be everywhere i go to. i always think of you no matter where i am. when i go to places where we have went before, your shadow seemed to be following me everywhere. when i go to places where we haven't been but it's a nice place, i will always think to myself that i will wanna bring you there someday.

it's so pathetic to be living this way. it's like living everyday without a soul and most parts of me ain't around at all.

i've been trying so hard to keep myself distracted and avoiding leaving house at the usual time, to prevent bumping into you and him. i don't want to hurt myself again but i still want to see you at the same time. it's such a struggle that i'm about to get used to.

i don't want to get used to it because when i do, i don't know how will i be like.

i want to be numb to seeing things that i don't want to see but i guess it's just hard because, you still matter the most to me.

exams in 2 days' time and i'm getting so distracted by the things that shouldn't distract me anymore. for you, i will work hard. trust me, i will get there.

bao, i miss you. so bad, fucking bad.

Day 375: Impossible chase.

For the previous few nights, I dreamt of you again. And every single time when I dream of you, I will be late for work because I just don't want to wake up from my dream. That is when my dreams are so much better than reality because I know I will be waking up to nothing. I even forced myself to stay asleep and continue dreaming until you slowly faded away, that's when I woke up. 

It's so difficult for me to wake up smiling these days, it's not like before anymore. I still remember how you used to wake me up everyday before you head to work. You will always kiss my forehead goodbye and I will wave to you while you were standing at your door. I can't get that image out of my head and I don't think I ever will. 

The hard cold truth is that I might never be able to feel you anywhere near me again. But I still chose to hold on because I really don't want to give up on you anytime soon. I can't give up on someone I love so much, someone whom I know deserves everything in the world. 

I am alive now because I still see visions of us and I keep manifesting it in my mind, hoping it will come true someday. I pray everyday for you to be safe and healthy, and I hope you are taking good care of yourself. 

It's ok if you don't reply my messages. Just always remember that no matter how much time has passed, I will always be here. Time will prove my words, and actions. Time will prove everything. 

And even if it takes a lifetime, I will use a lifetime to prove it. I will use a lifetime to chase after you. Because you are worth a lifetime. That's the only thing I can do for you now. And I still want to do it. I want to do it forever. 

Day 371: Heart digger

I’m writing this so you won’t hear my voice shaking , so you don’t hear my heart breaking.

You know, it’s always hard to let go of the people you love.
But sometimes you have to, just for their own sake.

This is an apology I could never make. 

Believe me, when I say it is not your fault. It’s just the conversations I could no longer hold.


And know, my friend, I’m not saying goodbye, for it would be a lie.

And maybe when I finally come again to my sense, maybe that’s when this misery ends.

Day 369: You will always be my home.

i saw you today, after so long. but you were as usual, not alone.

it's funny how the sight of you and him still breaks my heart. it hurts so bad that i can't even show and have any reaction to it. it hurts so bad that the person i used to wake up to everyday, i can't even and don't have the rights to even look into her eyes now.

it's been a year since we stopped belonging to each other. i can't believe as i am typing this, tears are still forming up inside of my eyes.

i miss you so bad. and you won't believe how badly i still want you to be mine. but i know you can't because you deserve so much more.

as stupid as it seems, you should know that i will always be waiting for you. no matter what happens in your life, in my life, i will always be waiting.

i don't know how to love anyone else. i don't know how to open up to another person, other than you. i don't know how to love again because whenever i close my eyes, i still see images of your smile, i still see images of us. i still can't forget the way you smell, the way you speak, the way you act around me.

i will never regret falling for you and i will never regret loving you like this. all the stupid and meaningless things done, maybe it will be worth it someday. even if nothing good ever comes my way again, i will be comforted if it happens to you.

in my heart, you will always be you. you will always be the one i love. you will always be the one i wanna call home. you are always my kryptonite.

bao, please be happy because you always deserve to be.

Day 365: Hello darkness, my old friend.

"The good things in life doesn't come free and they are worth the wait."

You are the best thing in my life, so I still believe you are worth the wait, even for my entire life.

I'm getting so much mixed feelings, so many ups and downs, roller coaster emotions from seeing your social media posts and all the things that include you and him. I don't know what to feel, I thought I'd be really numb to it someday but I guess you just can't be numb to the things that matter the most in your life.

I get angry sometimes, but it's just sadness overtaking me for most of the times. You can't imagine how I still roll myself inside my blanket and cry silently every night. It gets worse every time. I wanted to scream and cry out so much but I know I can't. I am supposed to be fine in front of everyone, right? Yea I am supposed to. And I should be strong enough to walk away from you too, even shadows of you. But I can't.

These memories kept impacting me so much because I kept feeding all of them with more memories. They say memories belong to the past but I am using them to get me to the future. I still can't deal and a part of me honestly, secretly hopes that the relationship you are in now screws up someday. It's the part of me where no one ever knows and I can't accept it myself too.

I hope you get treated right, I really hope you do. But just so you know, I am still working hard for you. I am still trying to achieve what I want in life because of you. Everything is still about you and I am suffocating so bad, so bad.

Day 364: Please come home soon because i'm dying from the ache of missing you.

the feature that u love the most; ur nose.
the feature that u hate the most; ur eyes.
but no matter which one u hate or love the most, i'm certain i will be in love with every single one of them for the rest of my life. u might think i'm just kidding, but u know me well enough.

u look pretty with ur make up on and when u are heading out, u smell nice too. but little do u know that u look the most beautiful in my eyes when u wake up in the morning, with heavy eye bags, morning breaths that used to greet me, and ur smell. it's such a wonderful thing to wake up to.

no matter how many words i typed now, no matter how many times i'm going to have to say it to u, i just needed to remind u that no matter how far apart we are, u will always be living so vividly in me. i can't get rid of u even after all the ways i've tried.

i've tried to hate u, but i ended up hating myself more. i've tried to stay high every night, trying to forget ur warmth by drinking, but i ended up calling out to u more even when i'm drunk. i've tried to keep myself busy every single day, studying and working, trying not to let myself slow down but i ended up looking at the time staring blankly and wondering what u are doing at that point in time.

there's nothing left within me. i guess i've forgotten to take it all back when we parted ways. it hurts so fucking bad to see u move on, u were my kryptonite and u still are. the words we exchanged, the future we planned, i'm still holding on to all of them so tightly even when i'm bleeding from them.

i got no other choices because i've already made my choice long ago. i know u really gotta go this time, but that doesn't mean i have to be gone too. i still wna hold on to u for as long as forever is. honestly from the day u left, i no longer believe in forever. but ironically, i still see u as my forever.

pls know that i'd always wanted u to be happy. i'm sorry for being the toxic in ur life that u got to move on from, when all i ever wanted was to love u for the rest of my life.

time didn't change anything. i still see u the same, and my heart still loves u the same, even more. it's rather stupid to still be waiting like a fool here, but when u come home someday, i will be the happiest fool on earth. :)

Day 363: Long gone and moved on.

不知道你几时才会看到这个，我永远都不会告诉你原来还有这个的存在。

再多四天，我们就分开一年了。对我而言就好像昨天刚刚发生的事，为什么你的影子还那么清楚，为什么仿佛还能够感觉到你在附近。。我真的很辛苦，撑得很辛苦。

你不会知道我有多想你。你不会知道其实就算到了现在，每个晚上还哭着找你。你不会知道你在我心里还是多么的重要。

“宁可失去全世界也不愿失去你。” 这句话不是假的。就算到了现在，它还是成立的。

看到你幸福，我很安慰。但是，真的好痛。好痛。。笑着哭真的很痛。

骗得了全世界，骗不了自己。其实我真的还是在等待着你回家的那天。

我们会很幸福。一定会。。

Day 231: Happy 2016.

Maybe I should restart the number of days I have been counting since we broke up. Because right now, you really have decided to go off with someone new and leave me behind in your life already. I think I am crazy, I am still imagining the day when you will be back into my arms again.

The sorry(s) that I have told you in the letter can never be any more sincere. I pray and hope for your forgiveness. For letting you become the person you don't want to be. For breaking your heart a thousand times when all I really wanted to do was to take care of it for life. For letting you cry alone even when I am sleeping beside you every night and for letting loneliness devour you alive. For all the things that you've sacrificed, for all the times you put down your pride, for all the times where you apologized when it's not really your wrong, for all the times you tolerated my lies. It's never easy for you and maybe you are right, you are choosing to walk away from a toxic relationship which drains all of your energy and happiness from you. You are right to do that and I know no matter how much I say I won't let you go through the same shit again, you can never feel the same way towards me. I am sorry for letting all the hurt get to you because honestly, I can see myself loving you for my whole life. Maybe I didn't know how to love you right. Maybe the love I have for you becomes a selfish obsession of keeping you by my side. When you love someone, all you want is for them to be happy right?

Everyone is telling me that you are much happier right now, and I am getting so much mixed feeling from hearing that. How I wish I could have been the one putting the smile on your face everyday instead of someone else. How I wish I could have been the one kissing your pain away every night when the world's weight gets too heavy for you. All these wishing and praying got to go because you are not mine to call and hold anymore. The space that you are taking up in my heart keeps getting bigger, I am not even sure if my heart has anymore space for anything and anyone else. Do I still see myself loving you and all your flaws after all these that had happened? Yes, I do. Do I still miss you like mad every single day? Yes, I do. I don't know how to detach myself from you and that really sucks.

I still strongly believe someday I will be able to fight for your forgiveness and we will be happily ever after. And I will be waiting. Waiting for that day to arrive. Time will tell and time will prove everything. Time will set everything into the right place and I hope I won't destroy everything myself again. I will love you right this time. I won't ever let you get away again.

Till then, I will always love you.