Day 82:

"Even heaven knows how miserable I am now."

Everytime when I think that things are getting better, you will prove me wrong straight away. It's miserable to not know where you stand in someone's heart, it's even more miserable when you love that person so much and what you care about most is always her. I don't need sympathy cause I deserve how I am feeling right now. Maybe that's how painful I made you felt, maybe that's how much worth I am to you right now.

Apart from all the hurt, do you still remember and replay all those happy and sweet memories we once shared? Don't tell me you will always remember them, because all I can see is that you are trying your best to forget and move on without me in your life. You are always lying to yourself when you say you are able to treat me as a friend, because you can't. We both can't. I don't want to lie to myself for my whole life and watch someone that I love love someone else in the end. I don't want to belong to the grey area anymore. But I know you can't be forced, love can't be forced. "Love but not in love", isn't that equals to saying you don't love me anymore. I always crave for the cruel truth from your mouth, at least it will be easier for me to let go and learn to live without you. But I always don't get it, and this really keeps my hope up high. Of course I am not blaming you, I won't blame you for anything again. I know the pain, I know the torture. Remember you once asked me if you will become part of my torturous memory or beautiful future? And you stated that it's a Mag thing that no one can understand, but can I? Remember that blog post you wrote?

Of course I want you to be my beautiful future. And always remember bao, it's a Mag thing that only I can understand. It's funny how you feel so connected with someone sometimes, you keep questioning yourself is it just the thoughts inside of your head or is it the reality? I keep feeling that with you. I always have this tiny voice inside my head telling me, don't let go of her no matter how tough things are, the sun will shine again someday. We will be blessed again someday. Yea, and I truly believe in that voice. Try again or walk away? Towards you, it's always gonna be trying again. If I didn't try hard enough this time, I try harder again the next time. I will try till the day I'm out of breath, I will try till the day perhaps, when you are really married and with a blissful family. But that should be me. It should be me from the start. Holding your hand, kissing your lips, falling asleep with you. I should be the one, and I still believe that I will be the one in the end.

This is a love time can't write off. This is a love time can't change. This is a love worth the wait. This is a love I have been looking for. This is a love of a lifetime. This is a love between us, you and me. This is a love that is waiting for you. This is a love, that will last till the end.

I love you, selfishly, wholeheartedly, selflessly.