Officially moved:

https://www.morphineaidanmel.blogspot.com

I wish I didn't have to still remember here as my shelter.

I hate you but I really hate myself more now for still letting you get to me. I hate you but I love you more than that and it's still eating me up inside. I hate you but I love you enough to forgive you. I hate you but if I'd got a chance to restart everything or walk a new path down with you, I will not hesitate in making my decision.

I hate you, but unfortunately, I still want you to be my forever. And that will always eat me up.

如果有一天你累了，請你不要忘記我的大門永遠為你而打開。。

不管發生什麼事，不管你變成怎樣，那扇門。。永遠不會關。

我希望你真的明白，我真的不會丟下妳不管。

因為就算到了現在，你還是我的全世界。只是我不能讓任何人知道。。不可以。

寶，你永遠永遠都是我的小寶貝。就算全世界都變了，就算你現在有了新的負擔，我還是一樣地愛著你。不管怎樣都愛，永遠。

如果我說就算到了現在我還是放不下你，是否會有奇蹟出現？
如果我說我還是傻得可以不計較孩子，甚至可以和你一起照顧他，你是否會回頭看一看我？

說的放手都是假的，因為不想讓人知道我真的還是很想你。
表面上的開心都是裝出來的，因為不想讓你覺得我還是很不開心。

但是。。我真的還是還不開心。我忘了多久沒有真正的開心了。沒有你，我不知道怎麼開心。

你幸福嗎？我還是很擔心你。

你原諒我了嗎？真的好想聽聽你的聲音。。但是不可能了。

我們真的不可能了嗎。。？

我好想你，好想你。。

Day 394: Today, I'm finally letting you go.

Today I’m done holding on to your memory. I’m throwing away all the cards and love letters I’ve held on to for far too long. I’m ripping up every picture I have stashed away in my drawer to remember us. I’m letting you go, completely.

I don’t want to scroll through my camera roll and see old pictures of you. I don’t want to be searching through my contacts and see your name come up anymore. I don’t want to find old screen shots of our conversations. I don’t want to hear old songs and think of you.

It’s not that I want to forget about you, because I don’t, not completely anyway. You became a huge part of my life, but that’s the thing. You were just a part of it.

It’s about moving on, I have to move on. It’s about me not thinking about you every time something good happens and wanting to run to you with the news. It’s about being able to handle all the bad on my own. It’s about me picking up my life and moving on without wondering what you’re doing with yours.

It’s letting go of the idea I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you. It’s leaving behind the traces of you that you imprinted everywhere. It’s being okay with being on my own.

It’s about running into you and not having my heart skip a beat, it’s about not getting tongue tied and nervous about what you’re thinking about me. It’s actually not caring anymore about what you do think of me. I don’t want to get butterflies when you say my name. I don’t want to be tossing and turning over the thoughts of missing you.

I’m letting you go because I want to be happy. I want to be able to be happy for you, too. I want to be okay with the fact someone else gets to spend forever with you. I want to be okay with the fact I won’t be waking up next to you again, and that someone else will be pouring your coffee with two creams and two sugars. I want to be okay with the fact someone else is loving your tattoos and your hands.

All the best in everything you are going to do in life. I know that you are going to achieve another milestone in your life and I hope everything will be going your way. Taking care of a new born at your age won't be easy but I know you will be able to walk through it. I still hope life treats you well enough. 

其实我没你不能活，其实我爱你比你想象多。但是我最后的防卫是无所谓。

You won't hear from me anymore. This is the last time I will remind myself of you. I want to be healed and I want to be whole so that I can find happiness with someone new.

So, today I’m finally letting you go because you and I are no longer anything and holding on to you is only hurting me. Today I decided I need to put myself first and leave you behind for good.