Day 91: Inferiority

I want so much for you to be back by my side. But I look at myself, I think about what I can give to you, I can't think of anything much. I look at my bank balance and I feel pathetic. I am constantly at a war with myself. Every part of me wants you back, but my senses are tell me that I must be successful and financially independent first before I dare to call you mine again.

When you are truly in love with someone, you always want to give them your best. No matter what happens, their happiness will always come to your mind first. This is my promise to you, I will use the last penny in my pocket to make you happy. I will do whatever it takes to give you a better life. I want to break free of the past life we used to have. Those days where I can't even afford to bring you out for a better meal, those days where I have to think so much and consider about so many factors before I can buy something for you. Those days where we keep saying "YOLO", and ending up being so pathetic when the end of the month comes. I know you didn't mind, but deep in my heart, I mind so much. I kept scolding myself useless, I kept blaming myself for letting you spend your off days at home when I know all you wanted was to go out. Maybe that's why when you told me you are so sick and tired of staying at home everyday, it really hurts. Because deep inside me I know you will get bored of it, but I don't have the capability to bring you out. \

There are so many things left unsaid when we were still together. How I wish you knew about all those things. How I wish you knew that I was planning for us and our future all along when I kept you at home. How I wish you would have understand that I didn't keep you at home for all of your off days on purpose. How I wish you knew that I wanted to go out and have a proper date with you too on our off days. How I wish you knew I was saving in secret for our first overseas trip together, but the money has now been used to get you the handbag you wanted long ago. How I wish you knew that every time when I say next time, I was already planning for it in my head. I don't blame you for not knowing, because all these things I did not mentioned about it before. I don't blame you for getting bored of me and the things I did, because if I were you I will feel the same way too. I don't blame you for letting go of my hands, because you were in pain.

I knew everything, I just didn't do anything and it's really too late for regrets now. But things are gradually getting better as the days goes by. I really hope that the day is nearing for me to hold you in my arms and being able to call you mine again. When that time comes, I will be the happiest living being on Earth and I will treat you like a princess, for the next 50 years and for as long as I live. You will always be the one I treasure the most. No matter who enters my life, I promise. No matter how big the storm is, I promise. No matter how much it takes, I promise. To never let go of your hands and to kiss away your pain. To dance with your demons. To see your dark side and to love you even more. To play with your hair and hug you to sleep. I promise. This love will never die. I love you.

Day 86:

Don’t tell me this is the end for us. Here’s a pen, please keep writing. I will tear down every flier, save every gum wrapper, gather all the blank pages in the world just so we can keep writing our story. I will paint the words of our love all over my body until I am nothing but color. I will write until the lamp burns out, and then light a candle and keep writing. I will scribble on the backs of bus seats and graffiti on buildings with abandoned walls. I will not let you stop us now. We can tell the most beautiful love story the world has ever heard, if we keep writing. Please take this pen.

I miss you so much. Please, write our story all over again. I will be the bigger spoon this time. I will let you win, no matter what happens, I will compromise to you. No matter what you want to do, I will accept you. No matter what you become, I will love you. 

I will love you. 
and 
I will love you forever. 

Day 84: 值得浪费。

“也许我不是在等待你爱我，而是在等待我不再等待你的那一天。”

告诉你，你最好做好准备，我没有打算停止一切。爱你这回事，快要三年了。想说我没有什么志愿，也没有事情好消遣。有一个你去爱，多珍贵。没关系，你也不用逼你自己重新爱上我，反正我还有一生可以浪费。我就是剩这么一点点倔，称得上是我的优点吧。没关系，你也不用对我惭愧，不用觉得你亏欠我，也许我根本喜欢被你浪费。。随便你今天会拼命爱上谁，我都会坦然面对心碎。即使要我再跟你耗个十年，我都无所谓。我对你的爱，依旧没变。连我自己都对我自己钦佩。就算我再去努力爱上谁，到头来也是白费。。因为都不如永远跟你耗来的快乐，幸福。

整个脑海里都是你，我应该怎么做才能让自己好过一点。是真的要放开手才能获得吗？是真的要放开手让你飞翔，你飞累了，会回来吗。。？

我好想你，不懂要怎么形容才能觉得贴切。无止尽的想，无止尽的盼。。。。

Day 82:

"Even heaven knows how miserable I am now."

Everytime when I think that things are getting better, you will prove me wrong straight away. It's miserable to not know where you stand in someone's heart, it's even more miserable when you love that person so much and what you care about most is always her. I don't need sympathy cause I deserve how I am feeling right now. Maybe that's how painful I made you felt, maybe that's how much worth I am to you right now.

Apart from all the hurt, do you still remember and replay all those happy and sweet memories we once shared? Don't tell me you will always remember them, because all I can see is that you are trying your best to forget and move on without me in your life. You are always lying to yourself when you say you are able to treat me as a friend, because you can't. We both can't. I don't want to lie to myself for my whole life and watch someone that I love love someone else in the end. I don't want to belong to the grey area anymore. But I know you can't be forced, love can't be forced. "Love but not in love", isn't that equals to saying you don't love me anymore. I always crave for the cruel truth from your mouth, at least it will be easier for me to let go and learn to live without you. But I always don't get it, and this really keeps my hope up high. Of course I am not blaming you, I won't blame you for anything again. I know the pain, I know the torture. Remember you once asked me if you will become part of my torturous memory or beautiful future? And you stated that it's a Mag thing that no one can understand, but can I? Remember that blog post you wrote?

Of course I want you to be my beautiful future. And always remember bao, it's a Mag thing that only I can understand. It's funny how you feel so connected with someone sometimes, you keep questioning yourself is it just the thoughts inside of your head or is it the reality? I keep feeling that with you. I always have this tiny voice inside my head telling me, don't let go of her no matter how tough things are, the sun will shine again someday. We will be blessed again someday. Yea, and I truly believe in that voice. Try again or walk away? Towards you, it's always gonna be trying again. If I didn't try hard enough this time, I try harder again the next time. I will try till the day I'm out of breath, I will try till the day perhaps, when you are really married and with a blissful family. But that should be me. It should be me from the start. Holding your hand, kissing your lips, falling asleep with you. I should be the one, and I still believe that I will be the one in the end.

This is a love time can't write off. This is a love time can't change. This is a love worth the wait. This is a love I have been looking for. This is a love of a lifetime. This is a love between us, you and me. This is a love that is waiting for you. This is a love, that will last till the end.

I love you, selfishly, wholeheartedly, selflessly.