Being with you for almost 2.5 years now, I should know and understand you like nobody else would. I should be the one whom you trust the most and believe everything I said without any doubts. I should be the one who give you all the attention instead of you searching and needing for mine.

You were always there for me, even when you are feeling so exhausted yourself. You will always put me in the first place, no matter how much I disappoint and anger you. For the past few months, it has been so rough for us. Maybe all the negative things that happened shaped a new you. I cannot catch what you are thinking anymore. I cannot catch up with you anymore. Silence now conquer us, even when we have a chance to spend quality time together every once in a week, when we were both off from work. We can even spend the whole day quarreling on that precious one day we should have treasured. I don't know what to do and I am getting more and more numb as these matters keep reoccurring. But really, I don't blame you. Not at all, not a single bit. I can only put all the blame on myself. It's not that I want people to think that I am pathetic, it's not the case where I want people to put the blame on you instead of me. Do you know that I rather people think I am the one at fault instead of them pointing their fingers at you? Do you know how much I want to protect you all the times but the results are always back firing at me. I keep searching for reasons, millions and trillions of reasons for us, for you and for me. I keep thinking and searching deep down inside my mind what exactly was the point where we both somehow stopped chasing each other for a while. We could be mad for nothing, over nothing and over the most pathetic stuff in the whole. I know it's me most of the time. I am always the ridiculous one in your eyes. But baby, you are the only person I will behave like that to. But baby, I react this way because you are the most important person in my life and no one can ever level up to you. But baby, I am ridiculous because i love you.

When I get angry over small things most of the time, I blame myself too. My heart aches in a way that it cringes and tears always try to flow out of my eyes. When I see you cry, I scold myself all the time but you never did know that. In your eyes and in your heart, you will be blaming me. You will be repeating that I proved you right again. I know you love me, I know your love for me has never changed a single bit. But baby, both of us changed. Maybe I am the one I changed the most, maybe this is the side of me I never wanted anyone to know about. But I showed it to you. I think back and regret sometimes. I think back and I always thought to myself, "what if you did not get to see this side of me at all?" Will things turn out differently? Will we be living in bliss instead of being at each other's throat almost everyday?

I am losing my mind. I cannot talk to anyone about it. I miss you in a way that scares me. You know why? Because I don't miss the you who comes home to me every night now. It's not that I don't love you anymore, my feelings haven't changed a single bit towards you. I just miss the old us so much I am literally crying right in front of my laptop now while writing this blog post. I really miss those days where we could spend the whole day happily together. I am trying so hard to change but I feel like you are denying me the chance to. I am trying so hard to improve my temper but all your doubts made me wanna give up changing and being a better me. No, of course I am not blaming you. Like what I have always said, even before we got together, "All of them thinks that you are the bad guy because they can't see the good in you. But I can, I really can. I see the good in you every single time. Even during our most heated arguments, I see the good in you."

I am not a christian but I believe in angels. I don't know how silly this thought is to you but I truly believe you are God's gift to me and you are my guardian angel. I always giggle to myself at the thought of this. Do you believe in angel?

Love is a big word, I love you is a big promise. The future that we hold is so unclear right now, I cannot predict what will happen to us, even in the near future. We always daydreamed and talked about how we want our future to be. We will be living in our own house, having a fulfilling life and getting married in a overseas country or even adopting a child of our own. All these talks filled me up. When I feel down, do you actually know all of these cheered me up instantly at the thought of it? I bet you don't because I believe in your heart, I have already became the heartless one.

Everyone says that "love is a big game." If that is really the case, I think I would have already "Game Over" long time ago. Not as in a bad way, but surrendering to you. It's a good thing to me. Maybe to others it's the opposite.

I know no matter what I say or what I do, there will always be a hole in our relationship for me to mend. You told me to mend it, but I really felt crushed when you said that. You somehow admitted to that "hole" when I was hoping that you will say something else better. Maybe now it's your turn to be the heartless one. Maybe we should switch roles to let me feel the pain in you. Is it that saddening to be with me? Am I really that bad? I don't classified myself under the "Insensitive" group but you always led me to thinking that I actually am that insensitive.

"Be with the person who brings out the best in you" -
Maybe we are not meant to be, even after going through so much together. Today, I really felt like I am at the brink of losing everything even though there is no heated argument going on between the both of us. Am I really losing everything? Am I really going to lose you if I don't fight?


I love you.
You know I always will and you always will have a place in my heart.

Even when we are not together anymore.